The Process of Mourning

At a recent Shabbat morning Torah Talk, we were discussing how the whole book of Vayikra takes place over a mere eight days - the days of the inauguration of the Mishkan and the service of the Kohanim. Leviticus is almost entirely laws and instructions - not much narrative to carry the story of the Israelites forward. This fact makes the tragic story of Nadav and Avihu, which we read this week in Parashat Shemini, stand out all the more. 

After Aaron successfully offers the sacrifices he had been instructed to make, after fire comes forth from God, consuming the sacrifices, after the people fall on their faces in awe at witnessing this pivotal moment, Aaron’s eldest sons, Nadav and Avihu bring their own offering. Rather than God’s fire consuming their offering, God’s fire blazes forth and consumes them. The Torah does not give us much detail explaining what went wrong, telling us simply that Aaron’s response to this great loss was to be silent.
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It’s a perplexing passage, but one that gives voice to an experience many of us have been through - the process of mourning. Classical commentators and midrashim read Aaron’s silence in this way, as an expression of his grief and his process of mourning his loss. Rabbeinu Baḥya, a 14th century Spanish commentator, explains that silence is one of the ways people express their mourning. So wracked with grief at the sudden loss of his sons was Aaron that he could not speak. Sometimes a loss is so profound that it robs us of words. 

The earliest collection of Midrash on the book of Vayikra, the Sifra, sees it differently. Aaron was distraught at the death of his sons, desperately trying to understand the reason for their death. The midrash imagines Moshe, his brother, coming to him during this difficult time and offering him words of comfort. Moshe’s presence and words gave Aaron solace, and he was finally able to be silent. In this rendering, Aaron’s silence is a sign that he is beginning to emerge from the most acute stage of his grief. 

Niḥum aveilim, comforting mourners, is a powerful mitzvah, one that our community does with great generosity and kindness. But it is also complicated. As those who have walked the path of mourning can attest, grief hits each of us differently. No one person’s experience of mourning is exactly like any other person’s. Similarly, what we might say or do to bring comfort to one person may not work for another person. As comforters, we must strive to be like Moshe, finding an approach that will bring solace to each person suffering a loss. 

For some, the fear of saying or doing the wrong thing in this situation makes us uncomfortable, or even reluctant to visit a house of mourning and be with others during the early stages of their grief, in the period of Shiva. This is a very normal thing to feel and I am grateful to the Chesed Committee and Rachel Weitzner of Gilchrist for giving us the opportunity to speak about what it is to offer comfort to those in mourning.

This coming Sunday, April 7, at 10:30 AM, please join us at the Myerberg for The Do’s and Don'ts of Making a Shiva Call. Together we’ll share a bit about the traditions of Shiva, discuss common experiences of visiting with a mourner, and learn from and with each other about how best to be a source of comfort to others during such a tender time. I hope you’ll join us.

Shabbat shalom.

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