Gratitude 2.0

​This is a time of year, in the American consciousness, that focuses on gratitude. As we prepare to celebrate Thanksgiving, the idea of giving thanks is prominently featured pretty much everywhere. Of course, it's important to acknowledge and share our gratitude for the blessings in our lives. Full stop. Allowing ourselves to see the bounty that we have helps us find satisfaction with our lives and affirms our best middot, character traits. 


At the same time, I've been thinking more lately about the complexity of expressing gratitude, of what seems like the expectation that being grateful cannot coexist with other, less "happy," emotions, that having wants or dissatisfactions somehow cancels out one's gratitude. America Ferrera's powerful monologue from The Barbie Movie captures this idea perfectly. For many of us, we experience a life full of competing pulls and obligations. The charge to maintain an attitude of gratitude sometimes seems like it's lined with an underlying prohibition on having any complicated feelings about any of the difficulties we may also be facing. 

I would also suggest that feeling gratitude above and to the exclusion of all else is not only unrealistic, but it is not the Jewish approach. We see this in multiple ways in our tradition. In the weekday Amidah, recited as the central part of our prayers 3 times a day, 6 days a week, there is a blessing expressing our gratitude. It is even one of the most prominent features - it's one of the places we bow, just as we do at the beginning of the Amidah; it includes a communal response when the Amidah is repeated; it is one of the longest blessings of the 19 in the Amidah. But it comes toward the end, after we have enumerated our list of requests. Our prayer of thanksgiving comes alongside expressing our communal and personal needs. It's important to note that we're not saying "thank you" for the 14 petitionary blessings having been answered. Nor are we saying "thank you" because our gratitude overshadows our needs. We express our gratitude for the things we already have, even as we maintain an awareness of what is lacking in our world and in our lives. 

We also see this in this week's Parashah. Parashat Vayetze opens with the dramatic scene of Ya'akov running away from his brother Esav, finding a place to camp for the night, and having a life-altering vision, within angels descending from heaven and God promising him protection and a future of abundance. When Ya'akov awakens, he expresses amazement at what he just experienced, and then makes a somewhat perplexing vow. "If God remains with me, protecting me on this journey that I am making, and giving me bread to eat and clothing to wear, and I return safe to my father’s house— the Lord shall be my God." (Genesis 28:20-21) Ya'akov's gratitude for God's promise isn't uncomplicated. He's at a vulnerable time in his life and he needs to know that his needs will be met. This doesn't mean that he's ungrateful - in fact he next creates a monument to God and his awe-filled experience - but it does mean that other feelings are just as prominent for him in this moment. 

As we prepare for Thanksgiving, I know that, for many of us, our focus is less on our personal sense of gratitude and more on things that feel lacking in our world. We are nearing day 50 of a debilitating war in Israel. We have promises of a significant hostage release, but too many still remain in captivity. We see antisemitism becoming more and more acceptable in our communities. And all this on top of anything else we may be experiencing in our own lives and families. 

My wish, my berakhah, for us at this time in our American calendar is this: that we allow ourselves to feel what it is necessary for us to feel, to focus on the things we need to focus on AND that we take at least a moment to acknowledge and truly appreciate the blessings we are fortunate to have. May we allow ourselves to feel real gratitude, complicated but also beautiful. 

Happy Thanksgiving and Shabbat Shalom!